If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again. If at first you do succeed, put the pen down, mate, the second one won’t be as good.
They can’t all be winners and sequels do, sometimes unfairly, get a bad rep – but these ones deserve it. Here are the films that are ruining sequels for everyone.
Look Who’s Talking (1989)
Mollie and James are the parents of toddler, Mikey and newborn, Julie who, for some reason, have the voices of Bruce Willis and Roseanne Barr. Mel Brooks also voices the toilet. We don’t know either.
One film of a baby with a bad internal monologue is more than enough. Don’t even get us started on Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), the third film with talking pets.
4.5 out of 10
Saturday Night Fever (1977)
Tony Manero, who sees dance moves on TV then makes them up himself, has left the technicolour dancefloors of disco and has trekked it to NYC to make it big on Broadway. He’s matured in the five years away from Brooklyn and has lost his dodgy accent and avoids booze and swearing. He’s still an arse to his girlfriend though.
You can’t just keep naming films after Bee Gees songs and expect them to be belters.
4.5 out of 10
Basic Instinct (1992)
Catherine Tramell is under investigation by the police (again…) when her boyfriend’s death is thought to be down to her. She’s assigned to a psychoanalyst who thinks she’s really hot even without her having to do that thing where she uncrosses and crosses her legs and no one knows where to look. When the Doc’s ex-wife becomes one of a load who’ve been recently murdered, he becomes obsessed with proving Catherine’s guilt.
Probably best not to go on a killing spree if you can’t get out of it by being sexy.
4.2 out of 10
American Psycho (2000)
First thing’s first; direct-to-video films never spell success, let’s get that out there. So this direct-to-video film was every bit as awful as we expected, if not moreso. Morgan J. Freeman directs and Mila Kunis stars as a student who fancies doing a bit of murder.
Morgan J. Freeman is not the same as Morgan Freeman.
3.9 out of 10
The Addams Family (1991) and Addams Family Values (1994)
Grandma and Grandpa Addams have a rare disease that threatens to turn them into ‘normal’ people and the only thing that can save them is a family reunion. A typo on the invite means a load of normal, one ‘d’ Adams turn up and two of the invitees accidentally go to the Addams mansion.
Always read an invitation properly, whether you’re the sender or recipient… Also, illnesses cannot be this easily cured, alright? A party will not cure the flu.
3.9 out of 10
Legally Blonde (2001) and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde (2003)
Elle, who was total life goals, is mentioned repeatedly throughout this film despite not starring in it. Instead, her twin cousins, who are for some reason English, move to California and basically reenact Elle’s entire life leading up to college.
Mentioning the lead character from the first film a hundred times does not a good film make.
3.8 out of 10
Annie, the woman who was stuck on a bus with a bomb strapped to it finds herself on a cruise which is set on a course that will send it crashing into a massive oil tanker and at no point does she begin to wonder if someone is trying to kill her.
If you’re on a bus with a bomb on it and then a cruise set to crash, assume that somebody out there wants a piece of your inheritance.
3.7 out of 10
Donnie’s little sister, Samantha, leaves Virginia for LA after her brother’s death. Her best friend Corey joins her and the pair soon find themselves stuck in a glitch in the time-space continuum.
If your car breaks down in a small desert town, don’t fall into a hole in the matrix…
3.6 out of 10
This film was almost entirely re-cast (obviously we’re not suggesting that this is because Darryl Hannah and Tom Hanks knew it would be all kinds of awful) but it includes the same characters; Allen and Madison, who is a mermaid, obv. They relocate to New York because Madison has legs now.
Having legs doesn’t solve everything, guys.
3.5 out of 10
Dumb and Dumber (1994)
Alright, technically this is a prequel but it’s so awful we couldn’t leave it out. This is the story of how Harry met Lloyd in a high school with a nasty principal and a load of other weird kids like them.
Eric Christian Olsen, who plays Lloyd, looks a bit like Jim Carrey. There’s nothing else to take from this.
3.4 out of 10
The Birds (1963)
Shh, listen carefully. Hear that? Yeah, it’s Alfred Hitchcock turning in his grave. This made-for-TV horror follows almost the exact same storyline as the original Hitchcock classic; birds start attacking people, the mayor denies all of it, birds become even more violent.
Ignoring the problem is not a solution. There’s a life lesson for everyone, there.
2.8 out of 10
The Mask (1994)
A cartoonist, who loves his dog more than he loves people, even his own wife and child, begins to reject the dog to spend more time with his kid. The dog then coincidentally finds an enchanted mask and plots to use it to get rid of the baby.
Real dogs can’t plot to kill people.
2.2 out of 10
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) and Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995)
It’s direct-to-video again, but another huge pointer that a sequel is going to suck some big ones is when the actor from the original film who plays the actual character in the actual film’s title refuses to star in it. So this is the only one of the trilogy to not star Jim Carrey and is about Ventura’s kid who, for some reason, has to save his mum from being sent to jail.
The first two Ace Ventura films were the work of Orson Welles in comparison to this.
2.0 out of 10
Titanic (1997), but this film reckons it’s not a sequel. Even though it’s called Titanic TWO. So we’re calling bullshit on that, James Cameron probably started that rumour.
This 2010 low-budget straight-to-TV movie is set on a Titanic replica that sets off exactly 100 years after the original maiden voyage but on the reverse route. Global warming and nature cause the exact same thing to happen again. Who’da thunk it?!
We’ll never forgive Rose for letting Jack go in the original film. Also global warming is some real shit, guys.
1.6 out of 10