Kids films are intense. We reckon some of our saddest memories have turned out to be fictional – apparently we weren’t actually there when Bambi’s mum got shot… Disney feature heavily in this list because they seem to have some kind of heartbreak quota. That, or every teardrop equates to another dollar in their pocket.
Get the tissues out, we’re in this thing together.
Simba the lion cub bloody loves his dad, Mufasa the king, but Scar, evil uncle and total bastard, wants to rule the land himself so decides the only way to do this is to kill the king and frame the kid. Simba flees and befriends a meerkat and a warthog, because friendship knows no bounds, alright?
When Mufasa dies. You’ll weep for days.
The bit where Simba, Timon and Pumbaa sing ‘Hakuna Matata’. It’s a classic scene and should help you get over the horrific events surrounding Muf’s death.
Vada and Thomas J. are best friends who are just trying to figure out life together as they grow closer to their teen years. One day, after whacking about a wasps nest, Thomas J. is stung to actual death.
When Vada bursts into Thomas J.’s funeral. “His glasses! He can’t see without his glasses!” Ohhh, god.
Vada visits Thomas. J’s mother and then heads off to her writing class to recite a poem about the loss of her best friend. She then goes out with her new friend, Judy, in a nice little ‘I’ll never forget you, Thomas J.’ ending that gives us the serious feels.
Carl and Ellie meet as kids then grow up, get married and are just generally adorable. When Ellie dies, Carl becomes an angry and lonely old man who ties balloons to his house and flies off on the adventure that he and his wife had always longed for. Russell, a boy scout, who visited Carl days before to earn an assisting the elderly badge, accidentally tags along too, because plot.
Straight up non-stop for the first ten minutes. Then intermittently throughout whenever Carl looks at photos of Ellie. And then for the rest of your life whenever you remember her dying and leaving Carl all alone. Enjoy!
When Carl finally makes it to the exact spot that they had longed to visit and gives Russell his final badge – the grape soda cap that Ellie gave to Carl when they first met and planned their adventure.
Everyone’s favourite gang of talking toys come back for a third installment where they find themselves being given away, not once but twice. Andy, what the f*ck man? Anyway, the group get sent off to Sunnyside Day Care where they get their heads rammed into glitter pots and their arms yanked off – kids are just the worst – before discovering that a secretly evil teddy dictator is ruling the playground.
This’ll get you twice. Firstly, when the toys seem to be facing their death in a fiery pit of molten rubbish and all hold hands in acceptance of their eventual fate. They’re saved by the aliens (who else) and reunited with Andy who DOESN’T EVEN REALISE THEY WERE MISSING. Whatever. The second time is when Andy donates the box of toys to some kid. Things get pretty emoshe when he leaves them with her for good (even though he’s literally lost them ALL before. Like seriously, Woody’s disappeared at least four times and then the others have to go on dangerous quests to save each other. Andy, step up man.)
Barbie and Ken, who stayed at Sunnyside, presumably to stage some Les Mis-style revolution, become pen pals with Woody et al. Because toy friends are for life, . FOR LIFE, ANDY.
Riley is just like every other kid, her life is filled with joy, fear, sadness, disgust and anger. Turns out that, contrary to popular science stuff, this is all controlled by colourful creatures that live in our heads. Joy, basically the general manager of Riley HQ, is having an absolute mare with Sadness who is beyond unbearable. The pair get accidentally chucked out of the control panel but loads of awful and just really annoying things keep stopping them from getting back again. Meanwhile Fear, Disgust and Anger are f*cking everything up back in the driving seat.
When Joy and Sadness meet Bing Bong, Riley’s old imaginary friend. Joy and Bing Bong get stuck in some sort of depressing Grand Canyon of repressed memories, and after failing to get out to save Riley from whatever the hell Fear, Disgust and Anger are doing back at the control panel, Bing Bong sacrifices himself so that Joy can escape this forgotten wasteland.
When they make it back to the control panel and save Riley from being basically awful.
Dumbo’s a circus elephant who was born with massive ears which, to be fair, are pretty lolz. One day, some kids make fun of him because children are the cruelest of us all. Dumbo’s mum goes mental at them which gets her locked up. See what you’ve done now, kids?
When Dumbo goes to say goodbye to his mum in her cart-like jail cell, ready to be taken away presumably to some kind of elephant facility for the mentally unstable and definitely not to her death… She cradles him in her trunk through the prison-like bars and we are done.
When Dumbo works out that his huge ears are like wings and that he can actually fly. Take that, bitches.
Bambi’s like a prince deer or something and all the animals come and visit him in the forest minutes after his birth, because apparently they’ve never read those Mumsnet articles about leaving new parents the f*ck alone. Bambi heavily relies on his mother who is the babe-est doe we’ve ever seen. During winter, he and his mum are looking for food when Man comes along and shoots Mrs Bambi dead. The Great Prince, Bambi’s father, who’s been out of the picture like some unreliable weekend dad, takes pity on Bambi and decides to step up even though he should have been there from the start and being a Great Prince or some shit is literally no excuse.
When Man comes along with his big guns and kills Bambi’s mum. Not cool, Man. Not cool.
Bambi grows up under the eye of his dad and one day meets his betrothed who later gives birth to twins.
Charlotte, a spider living in a barn, decides to help save the life of Wilbur, a pig who is circa four pounds away from being served up in a pulled pork bap with a side of apple sauce. Charlotte, who has managed to avoid being shafted with the ol’ glass and paper trap, spins words into her web like ‘some pig’, ‘terrific’, ‘radiant’ and ‘humble’ because nobody wants to eat a pig whose chops taste like humility.
At a fair, Charlotte produces an egg sac which causes her to start dying and Wilbur has to say goodbye to the spider who has thus far saved his life. It’s the saddest spider death you’ll ever see – which maybe doesn’t mean that much, to be honest.
Wilbur manages to get the egg sac back to the barn and watches closely as the new baby spiders are born.