According To The Movies: How to Get A Valentine
Sometimes flowers are WAY too cliché (sorry Ashton), so we’ve put together the very imaginative and super original tips from movies that are 100% guaranteed to help you get a Valentine this year*.
If you’re single, don’t even worry about it. You won’t be for long after you follow these simple steps…
Stare Out of a Window
Just stare longingly out of a window while thinking about that special person. Even if you have stuff to do. Don’t forget to put on some mega depressing music (it adds to the vibe) — this will make your potential partner think you’re deep and emotionally available, and they’ll stop at nothing to get close to you. Staring = irresistible. You heard it here first.
Success Rate?
24%. Well, nothing really happens when you’re staring out of a window, does it?
Poetry
We know everyone thinks Shakespeare is the CEO of poetry, but really, it’s the people who are looking for a Valentine. When all else fails in love, poetry is the answer. If you’re really looking to make an impact, whip out the rhyming dictionary — they will be so moved by your ability to match words that sound similar, they’ll try really hard to have more conversations with you.
Success Rate?
99%. They might also be intimidated by your level of intelligence.
Play That Funky Music
If poetry isn’t your thing, let someone else do it. Grab a boombox, find their location on Snap Map, and head on down with a little bit of Phil Collins. Not only will they be amazed by how strong you are for being able to hold up a boombox, but they’ll also swoon at how thoughtful you are and forever associate that song with you. Even if all you did was hold a boombox and press ‘play’.
Success Rate?
40%. You might also get arrested for disturbing the peace… but that’s just a risk we have to be willing to take for love.
Flash Mobs (the dance kind)
Get the squad together and learn some choreography to surprise the love of your life in the middle of a super large public area. They will be so impressed by your sweet moves and daring personality it will be impossible for them to stay away, and they will automatically fall in love with you. Bonus points if balloons are involved.
Success Rate?
73%. 100% with balloons.
Make It Rain
Rain is literally your best friend. Need an excuse to huddle close? Whip out a small umbrella. Need a reason to run into a warm building and spend time alone together somewhere cosy? The abandoned beach villa which is never locked for some reason is waiting for you. They will be entranced by how good you look with wet hair and ask you to marry them right then and there.
Helpful tip: No rain forecasted? Just use a hose. Simples. (*meerkat noise*)
Success Rate?
100%. Don’t even act like there’s room for doubt.
Wear A Dress
Yeah, this applies to you fellas out there, too. When do we ever get a slo-mo from toe to head of a pantsuit? NEVER. You want to catch their eye? Get those ankles out and werk it. They will be hypnotised by the shape of you (just like Ed said) and fall to their knees.
Success Rate?
10% if you forget to make sure your shoes match.
No Planes
Whatever you do, do NOT let them get on a plane. For any reason. Even if it’s to finally achieve a dream they’ve been working towards for literal years. Your love is more important. By chasing them through the airport and stopping them before they board a flight, they’ll realise how sincere you are, how healthy you must be for being able to run through an airport terminal and forgive you for everything bad you’ve ever done, ever. Bam.
Success Rate?
50%. They could get SUPER mad that you’ve probably made them lose their luggage forever and be escorted out of the building by security and waste a whole load of money.
*May or may not get you a Valentine this year.
