The Best Anti-Valentine’s Films

Forget Valentine’s Day, who needs it? Less Netflix and chill, more hot chicks who kill. We don’t want chocolate hearts, we want broken ones. Preferably with a side order of boiled rabbit.

Fatal Attraction

If we learned nothing else from this film, it’s always ask your date if they like bunnies. Also, if you cheat, you’ll find yourself on the end of some serious violence and terror. Seriously, though… ask about the bunnies. (Also, don’t allow anyone to ignore you. It’s called basic listening skills? Thanks.)

Closer

This film sees four Londoners all secretly sleeping with each other to hide the fact that they’re miserable, awful people. So nothing unusual going on here. They lie and cheat their way into various beds and shout ‘f*ck’ repeatedly with the odd bit of cyber sex. It will make you pretty certain that the single life is the way forward.

Shame

Michael Fassbender here, showing off his massive lack of ability to commit to anything emotionally. Instead, he just spends every day having sex (mate, even Craig David chilled on Sundays). The Fass is walking proof that some people are just not worth the time of day, tbh.

Blue Valentine

Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling play a self-absorbed and unmotivated married couple mid-break up. If watching a marriage fall apart wasn’t stressful enough, it’s juxtaposed with clips of how they got together. Ouch.

The War of the Roses

Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas are getting a divorce,  and you’ll swear off marriage forever. The whole thing’s pretty grim as they play dirty in a bid to keep their house for themselves. We’re pretty close to giving up on everything when the wife suggests that the pâté her husband is eating was made from his beloved dog…

Revolutionary Road

If you’re looking for Titanic The Sequel, this ain’t it. Kate and Leo are back at it again as the couple who are totally over their suburban life and start to turn on each other. As well as the slow destruction of their own marriage, the couples that surround them are also quietly breaking down. (Maybe they just need to call it quits and agree they bring bad luck…?)

Kramer vs. Kramer

When Meryl Streep skips out on Dustin Hoffman and their kids, poor Dusty is left picking up the pieces of their shattered life. This depiction of a marriage breakdown is less ‘lol’, more ‘holy-shit-what-is-life’. Meryl comes back in the end but it’s all too little too late, babe.

The Weather Man

Nicolas Cage just wants his wife and kids back. Sadly they don’t even slightly feel the same, but boy does he try as hard as he can. Despite his best attempts, the whole thing comes to nothing. Gutted, Nic. We’re distracted by those chicken nuggets, tho.

Life’s a b*tch but it can’t be as bad as all this. If it is, tequila’s probably your answer.

Happy Anti-Valentine’s Day!